The good news is that for many children Halloween is one of the most fun days of the year. This year we've got the additional treat of an extra hour of daylight on Halloween. We don't change the clock and "fall back" until Saturday night, a week later than we usually do.
The bad news is that Halloween can be a dangerous time. No need to panic or cancel the whole thing but precautions are absolutely necessary.
SAFETY FIRST!!! I cannot stress this enough. When working with parents, children, teachers or anyone involved with the holiday that is the first and most important thing we plan for. After the safety factor is put into place you can focus on the fun.
Don't take safety for granted.
Don't assume that older children, tweens and teens can handle it on their own.
Don't be lulled by the fact that your children are "good". That may very well be but what about the other children and people out there.
Do be firm about your rules for trick-or-treating and parties.
Do be firm about your expectations and curfews.
Do be firm about contact information and itinerary.
Do be firm about how the treats can be eaten and when.
Do be firm about who the children can take candy/food from.
Do be firm about what houses they may visit.
Do be firm about chaperones.
Do be firm about destructive games or activities.
One of my students once came to me the day before Halloween because he didn't know what to do. He wanted to behave and follow the rules we had discussed in class (this was an inner city class in a fairly rough Halloween neighborhood) but his parents were sending him out trick or treating with his 22 year old uncle who was planning on throwing eggs at people. What was the child to do? His parents had the right idea to send him with a chaperone. Unfortunately they didn't know what the chaperone was planning. I contacted the parents and alternate arrangements were made but these are the kinds of things that could happen.
Make plans.
Map a route that is acceptable to you.
Be alert. Be involved.
I hate to be alarmist about these kinds of things but one can't take Halloween safety for granted.
For more specific ideas on Halloween safety check out WebMd's article Halloween Safety: Trick or Treat Tips
Well then, now that that's taken care of -
HAVE FUN!!!!!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Fashion Bullies Attack -- In Middle School - Wall Street Journal
Fashion Bullies Attack -- In Middle School. Terrific article in the Wall Street Journal.
It's hard to believe that this kind of behavior exists but it absolutely does. Middle School can be such a difficult time for girls and it's getting harder and harder. The internal and external pressures build and there are new pressures all the time. Fashion is fast becoming one of the real toughies.
When working with teen and tween clients and their parents we work on one of the very necessary life skills that a girl has to learn at this age which is assertiveness in addition to a sense of self. If a girl has a sense of who she is but isn't able to withstand the pressures of her peers or the media she will quickly lose that sense of selfhood.
The article also mentions the book "The Hundred Dresses" by Eleanor Estes which was written in 1944. I taught that book as part of a reading curriculum to immigrant children in a very urban area. They loved it! I think it's a great book with lots of great life lessons for children of all ages.
Tip To Try:
*If you're going shopping this weekend begin a dialogue with your daughter about fashion and fashion pressures.
*Don't expect too much information. Don't even ask for any just get the lines of communication open on this topic so that somewhere in the near future you can have a real conversation about it. If you jump right in chances are she'll jump right out.
Enjoy the weekend,
RK
It's hard to believe that this kind of behavior exists but it absolutely does. Middle School can be such a difficult time for girls and it's getting harder and harder. The internal and external pressures build and there are new pressures all the time. Fashion is fast becoming one of the real toughies.
When working with teen and tween clients and their parents we work on one of the very necessary life skills that a girl has to learn at this age which is assertiveness in addition to a sense of self. If a girl has a sense of who she is but isn't able to withstand the pressures of her peers or the media she will quickly lose that sense of selfhood.
The article also mentions the book "The Hundred Dresses" by Eleanor Estes which was written in 1944. I taught that book as part of a reading curriculum to immigrant children in a very urban area. They loved it! I think it's a great book with lots of great life lessons for children of all ages.
Tip To Try:
*If you're going shopping this weekend begin a dialogue with your daughter about fashion and fashion pressures.
*Don't expect too much information. Don't even ask for any just get the lines of communication open on this topic so that somewhere in the near future you can have a real conversation about it. If you jump right in chances are she'll jump right out.
Enjoy the weekend,
RK
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Program to Deter High School Dropouts by Offering College Courses Is Approved - New York Times
Hi Mariette J,
In answer to your question about Program to Deter High School Dropouts by Offering College Courses Is Approved - New York Times . I think it's a great concept and I believe it helps. Students I've worked with who participated in such programs were much more motivated and did better in their senior year in high school then they otherwise would have.
There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, the student doesn't have that sense that H.S. is all over and they don't have to do anything until the following year (remember the story a couple of months back about the boy who got his college acceptance rescinded because he totally flunked out in senior year?). The students are motivated, they aren't just floundering and lost as to what comes next. They have a chance to explore different courses and subject areas that might interest them and they have a focus.
The transition from high school to college is often terrifying for many, many students as much as they try and hide it. The August issue of Scientific American Mind's article called "Why We Quit" by Yvonne Raley is about how many students drop out of college and some of the reasons why.
Programs such as the one described in the NY Times article can do a lot to help students feel motivated, directed and focused and to stay in school. A number of years ago I did program and staff development and implementation for Drop Out Prevention programs for a joint NYC Dept. of Education and CUNY program. In addition to the teacher training component I worked with students in some of the toughest areas of NYC. These children had tough lives and home lives but if they were able somehow to feel connected to some positive future their outlook on school, education and their classes improved. Give a child a sense of a hopeful and positive future and hopefully they'll want to find a way to get there.
Good luck with your son and both your futures! Let me know how it goes and feel free to call or email for further input or coaching.
Enjoy the day,
RK
In answer to your question about Program to Deter High School Dropouts by Offering College Courses Is Approved - New York Times . I think it's a great concept and I believe it helps. Students I've worked with who participated in such programs were much more motivated and did better in their senior year in high school then they otherwise would have.
There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, the student doesn't have that sense that H.S. is all over and they don't have to do anything until the following year (remember the story a couple of months back about the boy who got his college acceptance rescinded because he totally flunked out in senior year?). The students are motivated, they aren't just floundering and lost as to what comes next. They have a chance to explore different courses and subject areas that might interest them and they have a focus.
The transition from high school to college is often terrifying for many, many students as much as they try and hide it. The August issue of Scientific American Mind's article called "Why We Quit" by Yvonne Raley is about how many students drop out of college and some of the reasons why.
Programs such as the one described in the NY Times article can do a lot to help students feel motivated, directed and focused and to stay in school. A number of years ago I did program and staff development and implementation for Drop Out Prevention programs for a joint NYC Dept. of Education and CUNY program. In addition to the teacher training component I worked with students in some of the toughest areas of NYC. These children had tough lives and home lives but if they were able somehow to feel connected to some positive future their outlook on school, education and their classes improved. Give a child a sense of a hopeful and positive future and hopefully they'll want to find a way to get there.
Good luck with your son and both your futures! Let me know how it goes and feel free to call or email for further input or coaching.
Enjoy the day,
RK
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Gratitude
Since Thanksgiving is in November I think it's the perfect time to teach children about gratitude and giving thanks in all areas of their lives. I'll be talking more about it in the weeks to come along with activities, tips, tools and suggestions for raising an awareness of the need to appreciate in children. From Election Day and living in a free country where we're able to vote, to Veteran's Day and being grateful to the brave men and women who fight and fought for our right to live a free life, to Thanksgiving and a time to think and contemplate all that we might take for granted during the year.
For starters, if you're taking your children around on Halloween remind them to say thank you and please and talk about how generous it is that people are sharing with them.
Enjoy the day,
RK
For starters, if you're taking your children around on Halloween remind them to say thank you and please and talk about how generous it is that people are sharing with them.
Enjoy the day,
RK
Should I _________?
During the course of working with clients or when clients are first starting coaching for themselves as parents or for/with their children the question "should I _______ (something)?" or the related "what do you think I should do about _____?"
I also am constantly asked by clients, or people in the media what my opinions are about different topics including homeschooling, No Child Left Behind, Co-Sleeping, or a million other hot topics that hit the papers.
The short answer - my personal opinions are not relevant to the work that I do with my clients. The work that I do with clients is to explore and assist them in discovering what they believe is right for them, their children and their families.
So if I seem not to answer it's not because I don't have an opinion. If I answer a question by asking you a question it's not because I didn't hear or am evading the issue. I want to know more about what the issue means to you. How the issue impacts your life and how it might enhance or detract from your life. It's all about you and your life. Often clients who have referred their friends are intrigued that the outcome and process of coaching seems so different for them and/or their friend or acquaintance.
It's your life, your choices, your goals and aspirations. How could it all be the same for you as for everyone else?
Who, What, Where, When, Why and How something is right for you.
Enjoy the day - however you want to!
RK
I also am constantly asked by clients, or people in the media what my opinions are about different topics including homeschooling, No Child Left Behind, Co-Sleeping, or a million other hot topics that hit the papers.
The short answer - my personal opinions are not relevant to the work that I do with my clients. The work that I do with clients is to explore and assist them in discovering what they believe is right for them, their children and their families.
So if I seem not to answer it's not because I don't have an opinion. If I answer a question by asking you a question it's not because I didn't hear or am evading the issue. I want to know more about what the issue means to you. How the issue impacts your life and how it might enhance or detract from your life. It's all about you and your life. Often clients who have referred their friends are intrigued that the outcome and process of coaching seems so different for them and/or their friend or acquaintance.
It's your life, your choices, your goals and aspirations. How could it all be the same for you as for everyone else?
Who, What, Where, When, Why and How something is right for you.
Enjoy the day - however you want to!
RK
Monday, October 22, 2007
A General Response - Competition
I work with many parents on the issue of their feelings regarding how their children measure up compared to the "competition" and how that reflects on them. A few thoughts to keep in mind.
In these fiercely competitive times parents are pushing their children more and more and expecting more from the children, and themselves, thenever before. Registering children for the best nursery schools before they're born. French, gymnastics, etiquette - all before they enter school!
No wonder parents are looking over their shoulders at what other parents are doing and how they themselves rate as parents.
No one wants to feel that they're not doing the best they can by their children and since nowadays many parents don't have the extended and multi-generational help and advice that they used to. Grandma and Aunt Tillie aren't around to teach you the
basics and tell you you're doing a great job.
So parents feel they have to look around and get the info "on the street", instead of looking inside and trusting their own intuition and gut instincts.
In addition, the vast amount of parenting information can make parents feel overwhelmed by the parenting choices and insecure of their decisions. Are the
Joneses doing a better job? Is their child smarter?
If a child comes up looking better than "the competition" the parents can pat themselves on the back and the fear and insecurity that they're not
doing a good job subsides - until the next incident!
Take a deep breath and relax. The best help you can provide immediately is to take the pressure off yourself and your children.
Then, take it one step at a time and explore what's important to you and your family. Take it from there. RK
In these fiercely competitive times parents are pushing their children more and more and expecting more from the children, and themselves, thenever before. Registering children for the best nursery schools before they're born. French, gymnastics, etiquette - all before they enter school!
No wonder parents are looking over their shoulders at what other parents are doing and how they themselves rate as parents.
No one wants to feel that they're not doing the best they can by their children and since nowadays many parents don't have the extended and multi-generational help and advice that they used to. Grandma and Aunt Tillie aren't around to teach you the
basics and tell you you're doing a great job.
So parents feel they have to look around and get the info "on the street", instead of looking inside and trusting their own intuition and gut instincts.
In addition, the vast amount of parenting information can make parents feel overwhelmed by the parenting choices and insecure of their decisions. Are the
Joneses doing a better job? Is their child smarter?
If a child comes up looking better than "the competition" the parents can pat themselves on the back and the fear and insecurity that they're not
doing a good job subsides - until the next incident!
Take a deep breath and relax. The best help you can provide immediately is to take the pressure off yourself and your children.
Then, take it one step at a time and explore what's important to you and your family. Take it from there. RK
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Quick Tips for Making Mornings Less Stressful
In sessions and via email I deal with lots of the same issues with different people. Some are timeless and crop up over and over like the one about morning routines. Here's a question from one mother and some quick tips that might be helpful.
Help me Rebecca!
Morning's in our house are a nightmare. I can't get the kids out of bed and when I finally do there's a mad dash and someone always forgets something at home!
Any quick tips for making the mornings less stressful?
Miserable Mom
Hi MM,
The best tip? Prepare as much as possible the night before. Clothes, bookbags, any items that go into the bookbag that are needed for the day.
Developing rituals and even a checklist is also a way to eliminate morning anxiety and aggravation. It's hard enough to get up out of a nice cozy bed and face the day and it's difficulties. A checklist, and everything prepared (as much as possible), clothes laid out, bookbag filled waiting at the door, adds to a smoother day.
As for repeated wake-ups, if that's an issue, work with it! Set the alarm for 15-20 minutes earlier than the child has to wake up and let them ease into the day that way. Not everyone is a "jump out of bed and into the day" person. People have different rhythms and it's best to work with them, instead of fighting them.
Hope this helps,
RK
Help me Rebecca!
Morning's in our house are a nightmare. I can't get the kids out of bed and when I finally do there's a mad dash and someone always forgets something at home!
Any quick tips for making the mornings less stressful?
Miserable Mom
Hi MM,
The best tip? Prepare as much as possible the night before. Clothes, bookbags, any items that go into the bookbag that are needed for the day.
Developing rituals and even a checklist is also a way to eliminate morning anxiety and aggravation. It's hard enough to get up out of a nice cozy bed and face the day and it's difficulties. A checklist, and everything prepared (as much as possible), clothes laid out, bookbag filled waiting at the door, adds to a smoother day.
As for repeated wake-ups, if that's an issue, work with it! Set the alarm for 15-20 minutes earlier than the child has to wake up and let them ease into the day that way. Not everyone is a "jump out of bed and into the day" person. People have different rhythms and it's best to work with them, instead of fighting them.
Hope this helps,
RK
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Learning 2.0 - K12 Online Conference 2007
There's a very interesting online conference going on called the K12 Online Conference which you can find here K12 Online Conference 2007
Anyone involved with children and/or learning will probably find something interesting to add to their information arsenal.
Many of you have asked me what the "integrated approach" means when I describe the work that I do. In short, I'm interdisciplinary in my training and approach. I'm trained in education, mental health and creative fields (writing in particular and the study of creativity as well). I incorporate all those areas into the work that I do. Now read on for the interesting part...
In answer to other comments I keep getting - something along the lines of "you must have been such a great student" "you must have loved school as a kid" - I say think again. Let's just say that when I ran into a high school teacher of mine when I was in my first year of teaching kindergarten and I told her what I was doing she laughed and said "I hope they never shut up!" (thanks Mrs. S!)
The truth is that I was a solid average student who got kicked out of class up to and including college classes (for talking - I know you're shocked) UNTIL my senior year of college when I was finally taking all the courses that I loved in my major. Suddenly, I was loving it. I was interested - I couldn't get enough - I wanted more, more, more and I've continued since then.
THAT'S why there's no such thing as a "difficult" student in my vocabulary. The task is to find out what's going on. My students were always well behaved and did as well as possible, my clients find their way and shine - it's my passion to help them do so.
It's also my great passion to help students and their parents find the areas that intrigue and motivate them - again - I've been there.
I've been there and I know the way out - that's why I love doing what I do.
Enjoy the day - discover something you love!
Anyone involved with children and/or learning will probably find something interesting to add to their information arsenal.
Many of you have asked me what the "integrated approach" means when I describe the work that I do. In short, I'm interdisciplinary in my training and approach. I'm trained in education, mental health and creative fields (writing in particular and the study of creativity as well). I incorporate all those areas into the work that I do. Now read on for the interesting part...
In answer to other comments I keep getting - something along the lines of "you must have been such a great student" "you must have loved school as a kid" - I say think again. Let's just say that when I ran into a high school teacher of mine when I was in my first year of teaching kindergarten and I told her what I was doing she laughed and said "I hope they never shut up!" (thanks Mrs. S!)
The truth is that I was a solid average student who got kicked out of class up to and including college classes (for talking - I know you're shocked) UNTIL my senior year of college when I was finally taking all the courses that I loved in my major. Suddenly, I was loving it. I was interested - I couldn't get enough - I wanted more, more, more and I've continued since then.
THAT'S why there's no such thing as a "difficult" student in my vocabulary. The task is to find out what's going on. My students were always well behaved and did as well as possible, my clients find their way and shine - it's my passion to help them do so.
It's also my great passion to help students and their parents find the areas that intrigue and motivate them - again - I've been there.
I've been there and I know the way out - that's why I love doing what I do.
Enjoy the day - discover something you love!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Re-Leaf The Earth and Rejoice! Blog Action Day - The Environment
Today is Blog Action Day - read more about it at http://www.blogactionday.com. What a great, great idea. The topic this year is the environment - one that is near and dear to my heart for many reasons, not the least of which is that I'm a total nature girl and adore being outside enjoying the world and all the gifts it has for us.
Years ago when I was teaching K-2 I would do a unit each Fall on leaves, foliage, fall fruits and vegetables, growing, planting and harvesting. This year with all the attention on the environment and the Nobel prize going to environment related people and issues, the topic is one that can be addressed with children of all ages.
Coaching Tips for Making Topics Fun:
* Don't approach it as a "topic" or something that HAS to be covered or learned. If you're interested in it, your children will be. Today I saw a kindergarten class taking a nature walk. They were holding leaves and waving them around. They were having fun! That's what it's all about.
* Find an age appropriate way for the issue to become fun and interesting.
* For example with very young children taking nature walks, identifying leaves and trees, looking at the foliage, planting - choose something that grows very, very fast like bean sprouts which can grow almost overnight - this way they see the results very fast.
* For grades 1-3 begin a planting project and chart the progress. A trip pumpkin picking is always fun even for children a bit older.
* Older tweens and teens might enjoy a trip to the country to see the foliage if there's also something else interesting on the trip. A museum or mall, theme park or sporting event. Sneak in discussions about the foliage, the environment and nature.
Coaching Tips for Adding Information:
* Keep books and movies around the house that your children can "find" and that they might enjoy. Ask your local librarian, surf the web, make a collage or decorate a centrally located bulletin board with titles.
* Keep journals of your discoveries and have your children do the same.
* Begin charting and locating Thanksgiving foods as well. Cranberries, yams, pumpkin pie and on and on.
* Point out particularly beautiful or interesting trees, flowers, plants and gardens.
Children don't just wake up one morning having information or an appreciation for nature and their environment. It's up to you to assist them in finding that information, making it fun and something they choose to explore further. What they like they'll seek out and want to learn more about.
Enjoy the day! Re-leaf and Re-joice in it!
Any fun, interesting ideas about nature or environment activities? Post it here or drop me a line at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com (or kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com)
Years ago when I was teaching K-2 I would do a unit each Fall on leaves, foliage, fall fruits and vegetables, growing, planting and harvesting. This year with all the attention on the environment and the Nobel prize going to environment related people and issues, the topic is one that can be addressed with children of all ages.
Coaching Tips for Making Topics Fun:
* Don't approach it as a "topic" or something that HAS to be covered or learned. If you're interested in it, your children will be. Today I saw a kindergarten class taking a nature walk. They were holding leaves and waving them around. They were having fun! That's what it's all about.
* Find an age appropriate way for the issue to become fun and interesting.
* For example with very young children taking nature walks, identifying leaves and trees, looking at the foliage, planting - choose something that grows very, very fast like bean sprouts which can grow almost overnight - this way they see the results very fast.
* For grades 1-3 begin a planting project and chart the progress. A trip pumpkin picking is always fun even for children a bit older.
* Older tweens and teens might enjoy a trip to the country to see the foliage if there's also something else interesting on the trip. A museum or mall, theme park or sporting event. Sneak in discussions about the foliage, the environment and nature.
Coaching Tips for Adding Information:
* Keep books and movies around the house that your children can "find" and that they might enjoy. Ask your local librarian, surf the web, make a collage or decorate a centrally located bulletin board with titles.
* Keep journals of your discoveries and have your children do the same.
* Begin charting and locating Thanksgiving foods as well. Cranberries, yams, pumpkin pie and on and on.
* Point out particularly beautiful or interesting trees, flowers, plants and gardens.
Children don't just wake up one morning having information or an appreciation for nature and their environment. It's up to you to assist them in finding that information, making it fun and something they choose to explore further. What they like they'll seek out and want to learn more about.
Enjoy the day! Re-leaf and Re-joice in it!
Any fun, interesting ideas about nature or environment activities? Post it here or drop me a line at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com (or kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com)
Answers to Friday's Comments
Regrets for the delay in answering your comments but in the interest of surviving technological overload I try to be offline from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. It's not always easy but always worthwhile, and I find that I can hear myself think clearly before, during and after that time.
Before - because I know I have that haven coming up soon. During - because as tough as it is sometimes, and as drawn as I am to my tech toys I've gotten to the point where I can do it pretty easily and allow myself to interact with myself and others in a real-life-daily-way. After - because I've had the time to shut out all the overload of information. It's a technique that's been working for me - some of my clients have tried it. It works for different people in different increments of time.
Now - to your comments and thanks for taking the time to post - I love hearing your thoughts and comments, it's always food for thought for me.
T.N. - You're issue and question about teenage girls and the messages they get from the outside world is one of the toughest issues parents and teens are currently facing. I'll be talking about the topic in future posts. In the meantime - keep reinforcing positive role models, say "no" and keep to it. She won't like it but you're the parent and she's not going to like everything you do. It might be hard for you to tolerate the feeling of her not liking you right at that minute but it can't actually harm either of you physically and will do a lot for getting her on the right track.
Diana - It's tough to come up with activities that would be appropriate for the ages of both your daughters. How about if you ask your older daughter to do the project with your younger daughter?
Being the role model for an activity about role models will get your older daughter thinking in new ways as she guides the little one through the topic.
Your younger daughter will look up to the older one as a role model and you'd be amazed at how that will inspire the older one to think about her behaviors differently knowing someone is depending on her to do the right thing and act the right way. It will also be a catalyst to thinking about things she may not have before. Instead of acting impulsively she might give a moment's thought to how the behavior might appear to her younger sister.
It will also give you a chance to take a step back from the topic so that the older one doesn't have to rebel as much. She's the one in charge. She's making the decisions. She's choosing behaviors to highlight or downplay. She's in charge of deciding what works and what doesn't.
As for you - use the found time to be a role model for the kinds of things Mom does to keep her sanity!
Exhausted Dad - First of all congratulations on being involved enough to be asking the questions and attempting to get the right information. Sounds to me like you're on the right track to BEING a great role model.
Keep it going. Do the things you'd like your son to emulate. Engage in activities together. Keep apprised of his schoolwork and extracurricular activities. Try and eat dinner together as often as possible. It keeps the lines of communication open so that difficult topics can be addressed in an easy-going manner when necessary. It keeps you up to date with what's going on in his life.
A concern that often comes up when working with clients is the fear of saying "no" too often, of being the disciplinarian, of hearing "I hate you - you're the worst mother/father world", or "you're not my mother/father - my REAL mother/father would never....". I say GET OVER IT.
I can't say it often enough. As a matter of fact, I'll say it again GET OVER IT. As a parent your job is to be in charge and get your children to adulthood. They should get there safely and able to take care of themselves, fulfill adult responsibilities ably and go on from there.
I'm not suggesting that you become withholding and strict at all times. I am suggesting that you make the rules, you stick to your guns even when it's uncomfortable, and you do what needs to be done.
My clients are so relieved when they realize that their children do better when the parents are running the show. In most cases the children are relieved that they are able to withstand peer pressure by using the old parent card. "I can't - my Mom said I have to be home by 9:00" or "My Dad is the worst - he won't let me come over, drive the car, go to _____, keeps checking up on me that I'm not hanging out with _____".
Stand your ground. Your children may not like it - but eventually, they will love you for it.
Thanks to all of you for your comments and emails - it's great hearing from you!
You can always ask a question or comment here or email me at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com, or for those of you who prefer it, kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
Enjoy the day!
Before - because I know I have that haven coming up soon. During - because as tough as it is sometimes, and as drawn as I am to my tech toys I've gotten to the point where I can do it pretty easily and allow myself to interact with myself and others in a real-life-daily-way. After - because I've had the time to shut out all the overload of information. It's a technique that's been working for me - some of my clients have tried it. It works for different people in different increments of time.
Now - to your comments and thanks for taking the time to post - I love hearing your thoughts and comments, it's always food for thought for me.
T.N. - You're issue and question about teenage girls and the messages they get from the outside world is one of the toughest issues parents and teens are currently facing. I'll be talking about the topic in future posts. In the meantime - keep reinforcing positive role models, say "no" and keep to it. She won't like it but you're the parent and she's not going to like everything you do. It might be hard for you to tolerate the feeling of her not liking you right at that minute but it can't actually harm either of you physically and will do a lot for getting her on the right track.
Diana - It's tough to come up with activities that would be appropriate for the ages of both your daughters. How about if you ask your older daughter to do the project with your younger daughter?
Being the role model for an activity about role models will get your older daughter thinking in new ways as she guides the little one through the topic.
Your younger daughter will look up to the older one as a role model and you'd be amazed at how that will inspire the older one to think about her behaviors differently knowing someone is depending on her to do the right thing and act the right way. It will also be a catalyst to thinking about things she may not have before. Instead of acting impulsively she might give a moment's thought to how the behavior might appear to her younger sister.
It will also give you a chance to take a step back from the topic so that the older one doesn't have to rebel as much. She's the one in charge. She's making the decisions. She's choosing behaviors to highlight or downplay. She's in charge of deciding what works and what doesn't.
As for you - use the found time to be a role model for the kinds of things Mom does to keep her sanity!
Exhausted Dad - First of all congratulations on being involved enough to be asking the questions and attempting to get the right information. Sounds to me like you're on the right track to BEING a great role model.
Keep it going. Do the things you'd like your son to emulate. Engage in activities together. Keep apprised of his schoolwork and extracurricular activities. Try and eat dinner together as often as possible. It keeps the lines of communication open so that difficult topics can be addressed in an easy-going manner when necessary. It keeps you up to date with what's going on in his life.
A concern that often comes up when working with clients is the fear of saying "no" too often, of being the disciplinarian, of hearing "I hate you - you're the worst mother/father world", or "you're not my mother/father - my REAL mother/father would never....". I say GET OVER IT.
I can't say it often enough. As a matter of fact, I'll say it again GET OVER IT. As a parent your job is to be in charge and get your children to adulthood. They should get there safely and able to take care of themselves, fulfill adult responsibilities ably and go on from there.
I'm not suggesting that you become withholding and strict at all times. I am suggesting that you make the rules, you stick to your guns even when it's uncomfortable, and you do what needs to be done.
My clients are so relieved when they realize that their children do better when the parents are running the show. In most cases the children are relieved that they are able to withstand peer pressure by using the old parent card. "I can't - my Mom said I have to be home by 9:00" or "My Dad is the worst - he won't let me come over, drive the car, go to _____, keeps checking up on me that I'm not hanging out with _____".
Stand your ground. Your children may not like it - but eventually, they will love you for it.
Thanks to all of you for your comments and emails - it's great hearing from you!
You can always ask a question or comment here or email me at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com, or for those of you who prefer it, kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
Enjoy the day!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Costumes - Borrowing an Identity
Many of you have been asking about costumes for Halloween. What kind? What should I allow? My daughter/son wants __________ but I think it's too inappropriate/grown up/dangerous/bad role model...the list goes on.
For the last year many of you have been working with me on issues regarding the media circus and the "news" that your children are exposed to even when they don't want to be. TV consumption includes "breaking news" about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton on a regular basis. These people are not lauded for their positive achievements, to put it mildly.
As politics becomes more celebritized the major issues of the day become cause for "celeb"ration and it's hard to know what to believe or why people are promoting the causes they do. (To those of you who asked about my opinions on Al Gore and the Nobel prize let's leave it at this....)
Tips for Being Proactive About Role Models:
Halloween can be a great time to get a discussion going about heroes.
*What is a hero?
*What makes a person heroic?
*What's the difference between a real hero and someone who just plays one on tv?
*Why is that celebrity getting attention for negative behaviors?
*Whose actions should we pay attention to in the news?
Make a chart with your child listing positive and negative traits.
*Ask questions like why?
*Who has this trait?
*Why is it an important one to have?
*How do you think it can be helpful or hurtful in your life?
Keep a scrapbook (electronic or clippings) of heroes and heroic behavior. Keep it for your own reference and to use as examples with your child when a topic or situation arises.
I was lucky enough to speak with Bryan Brown at Junior Scholastic about the topic. He wrote a terrific article with some of my thoughts on the topic -"Hero or celebrity: don't confuse the glitter of stardom with real heroism" which you can find here - http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Hero+or+celebrity:+don't+confuse+the+glitter+of+stardom+with+real...-a0159390400
Enjoy your weekend!
For the last year many of you have been working with me on issues regarding the media circus and the "news" that your children are exposed to even when they don't want to be. TV consumption includes "breaking news" about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton on a regular basis. These people are not lauded for their positive achievements, to put it mildly.
As politics becomes more celebritized the major issues of the day become cause for "celeb"ration and it's hard to know what to believe or why people are promoting the causes they do. (To those of you who asked about my opinions on Al Gore and the Nobel prize let's leave it at this....)
Tips for Being Proactive About Role Models:
Halloween can be a great time to get a discussion going about heroes.
*What is a hero?
*What makes a person heroic?
*What's the difference between a real hero and someone who just plays one on tv?
*Why is that celebrity getting attention for negative behaviors?
*Whose actions should we pay attention to in the news?
Make a chart with your child listing positive and negative traits.
*Ask questions like why?
*Who has this trait?
*Why is it an important one to have?
*How do you think it can be helpful or hurtful in your life?
Keep a scrapbook (electronic or clippings) of heroes and heroic behavior. Keep it for your own reference and to use as examples with your child when a topic or situation arises.
I was lucky enough to speak with Bryan Brown at Junior Scholastic about the topic. He wrote a terrific article with some of my thoughts on the topic -"Hero or celebrity: don't confuse the glitter of stardom with real heroism" which you can find here - http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Hero+or+celebrity:+don't+confuse+the+glitter+of+stardom+with+real...-a0159390400
Enjoy your weekend!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Nobel Prize Lessons for Kids of All Ages
The Nobel prizes are being awarded this week. Unlike many of the other prizes that our culture celebrates the Nobel prizes are based on a lifetime of work. That makes the winners older than most of the people your children look up to as role models but these are people who can teach all of us about persistence, dedication, working hard, working long, believing in yourself and persevering even when everyone tells you not to.
Life Skills Lesson Ideas:
1. Clip the listings of the Nobel prize winners and choose a few minutes during the day or week to talk to your children about them.
2. Note the obstacles that the person had to face in life and talk about the ways they overcame them.
For example, Dr. Mario R. Capecchi one of the Nobel Prize winners in medicine was left on his own at age 4 (yes 4!!) when his mother was taken to Dachau. He managed to survive on the streets and in orphanages for the next 5 years.
Dr. Martin Evans says about his Nobel win in medicine that like Dr. Capecchi "his scientific career was an upward struggle. In an interview with the Lasker Foundation, Dr. Evans said recognition was important to him because he often was a lone scientist who cried out against the consensus. In applying for grants, he said he was told many of his ideas were premature and could not be done.
“Then five years later,” he said, “I find everyone is doing the same thing.”
Doris Lessing who won the Nobel prize in Literature never graduated high school, she self-taught by being a voracious reader.
Did any of these people give up? No they did not.
3. Talk about perseverance with your children. Ask them about times that they've felt they just wanted to give up on something but didn't. What did they learn from that experience? How might they apply it in the future?
4. Our society focuses on the prize, the award and not on the process of achievement. Discuss with your children the process of achievement. It can be joyous, fun and fulfilling but it can be tough. Practicing the piano scales isn't fun but how else can you learn the notes and how to play them? Baseball practice in the heat when you're striking out might not be fun, but hitting that home run for the team sure is. You can't get one without the other.
Extra Reading: I was happy to contribute to a terrific article that Jeff Bredenberg wrote called "9 Ways to Help Kids Practice" on this topic which was published in Better Homes and Gardens and which you can link to here on MSN - http://lifestyle.msn.com/familyandparenting/raisingkids/articlebhg.aspx?cp-documentid=937235
Enjoy the day and celebrate your achievements big and small - they took work!
Life Skills Lesson Ideas:
1. Clip the listings of the Nobel prize winners and choose a few minutes during the day or week to talk to your children about them.
2. Note the obstacles that the person had to face in life and talk about the ways they overcame them.
For example, Dr. Mario R. Capecchi one of the Nobel Prize winners in medicine was left on his own at age 4 (yes 4!!) when his mother was taken to Dachau. He managed to survive on the streets and in orphanages for the next 5 years.
Dr. Martin Evans says about his Nobel win in medicine that like Dr. Capecchi "his scientific career was an upward struggle. In an interview with the Lasker Foundation, Dr. Evans said recognition was important to him because he often was a lone scientist who cried out against the consensus. In applying for grants, he said he was told many of his ideas were premature and could not be done.
“Then five years later,” he said, “I find everyone is doing the same thing.”
Doris Lessing who won the Nobel prize in Literature never graduated high school, she self-taught by being a voracious reader.
Did any of these people give up? No they did not.
3. Talk about perseverance with your children. Ask them about times that they've felt they just wanted to give up on something but didn't. What did they learn from that experience? How might they apply it in the future?
4. Our society focuses on the prize, the award and not on the process of achievement. Discuss with your children the process of achievement. It can be joyous, fun and fulfilling but it can be tough. Practicing the piano scales isn't fun but how else can you learn the notes and how to play them? Baseball practice in the heat when you're striking out might not be fun, but hitting that home run for the team sure is. You can't get one without the other.
Extra Reading: I was happy to contribute to a terrific article that Jeff Bredenberg wrote called "9 Ways to Help Kids Practice" on this topic which was published in Better Homes and Gardens and which you can link to here on MSN - http://lifestyle.msn.com/familyandparenting/raisingkids/articlebhg.aspx?cp-documentid=937235
Enjoy the day and celebrate your achievements big and small - they took work!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Everything you do makes a difference!
An answer to a great question.
LD writes "Excellent article! My biggest problem is my 12-year-old son will watch me do tons of cleaning and organizing, but seldom pitches in unless I outline a particular privilege that will be revoked unless he helps. Then once in a very great while, he'll do something totally out of the blue like put the clean dishes away out of the dishwasher without being asked. Am I getting through to him or are these just lucky quirks???"
First of all, as much as he'd neverevereverever admit it your son notices the things you do. Maybe not all of it because children don't realize the extent of the things that you do for them. How could they? They don't see much of it. They might not understand all the steps that went into that amazing dinner being on the table or the way you turned yourself and your schedule upside down in order to attend the school play or game. Think back - did you realize everything your parents did?
But he is noticing something and by helping you out he's letting you know. Thank him for the effort and encourage him to do it again. Explain that when he does that you have more time to spend with him on other things.
Children notice so much and they really learn to "do as you do". I have a favorite example from my teaching days. Although there was no dress code required for teachers I always wore skirts to work. One winter day the parent of one of my students asked me to please speak to her daughter about dressing for the weather. It seems that L. only wanted to wear skirts to school "like Miss Weingarten" and when they'd gone shopping that weekend had only wanted to buy skirts!
Here was a situation where I was making a professional statement to my students about school and teaching and how to dress professionally. My student clearly noticed it and was trying to emulate something I was doing. I certainly didn't do it because I wanted her to. I did it because I felt it was the right thing.
They're watching what you do and they are noticing. They notice how you behave with them and with others. They notice the things you do for them and for others. They notice how you interact. They notice how you manage stress. They notice how you celebrate joy. They notice how you indicate happiness and love. They notice.
So let's take it from there and apply it to encouraging your son to help more around the house.
1. Congratulate yourself on the job you're doing. He's noticing and for a 12 year old to be pitching in unasked - well - you are doing something very right.
2. Try substituting revoking something for the promise of adding something positive. How about taking the offensive and suggesting that if he help you around the house he can get that extra something? It doesn't have to be a "thing", it can be an event or a favorite food or whatever he'd enjoy.
3. Ask him if there's anything he could use help with. Explain that there are times that it feels like there's too much to do, or that it might be hard to ask for help or guidance and offer it. If/when he accepts talk about the experience casually. Ask him how it felt to get the extra hand and tell him you were happy to do it.
4. Work with him to coordinate a time schedule when he might be able to assist you for a little while. Start with 5 minutes or a quick and easy chore. Give him guidelines. Don't say anything negative about the way he did the chore. Just thank him for doing it.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Any thoughts or questions? Post them here or email me at kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
LD writes "Excellent article! My biggest problem is my 12-year-old son will watch me do tons of cleaning and organizing, but seldom pitches in unless I outline a particular privilege that will be revoked unless he helps. Then once in a very great while, he'll do something totally out of the blue like put the clean dishes away out of the dishwasher without being asked. Am I getting through to him or are these just lucky quirks???"
First of all, as much as he'd neverevereverever admit it your son notices the things you do. Maybe not all of it because children don't realize the extent of the things that you do for them. How could they? They don't see much of it. They might not understand all the steps that went into that amazing dinner being on the table or the way you turned yourself and your schedule upside down in order to attend the school play or game. Think back - did you realize everything your parents did?
But he is noticing something and by helping you out he's letting you know. Thank him for the effort and encourage him to do it again. Explain that when he does that you have more time to spend with him on other things.
Children notice so much and they really learn to "do as you do". I have a favorite example from my teaching days. Although there was no dress code required for teachers I always wore skirts to work. One winter day the parent of one of my students asked me to please speak to her daughter about dressing for the weather. It seems that L. only wanted to wear skirts to school "like Miss Weingarten" and when they'd gone shopping that weekend had only wanted to buy skirts!
Here was a situation where I was making a professional statement to my students about school and teaching and how to dress professionally. My student clearly noticed it and was trying to emulate something I was doing. I certainly didn't do it because I wanted her to. I did it because I felt it was the right thing.
They're watching what you do and they are noticing. They notice how you behave with them and with others. They notice the things you do for them and for others. They notice how you interact. They notice how you manage stress. They notice how you celebrate joy. They notice how you indicate happiness and love. They notice.
So let's take it from there and apply it to encouraging your son to help more around the house.
1. Congratulate yourself on the job you're doing. He's noticing and for a 12 year old to be pitching in unasked - well - you are doing something very right.
2. Try substituting revoking something for the promise of adding something positive. How about taking the offensive and suggesting that if he help you around the house he can get that extra something? It doesn't have to be a "thing", it can be an event or a favorite food or whatever he'd enjoy.
3. Ask him if there's anything he could use help with. Explain that there are times that it feels like there's too much to do, or that it might be hard to ask for help or guidance and offer it. If/when he accepts talk about the experience casually. Ask him how it felt to get the extra hand and tell him you were happy to do it.
4. Work with him to coordinate a time schedule when he might be able to assist you for a little while. Start with 5 minutes or a quick and easy chore. Give him guidelines. Don't say anything negative about the way he did the chore. Just thank him for doing it.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Any thoughts or questions? Post them here or email me at kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Patience Is A Virtue...Practicing what you preach can be tough!
Teaching children to have patience and delay gratification can be tough. It's tough for us as adults and in our go-go-fast-faster-fastest world is getting tougher.
I'm learning that all over again as I deal with my limited mobility for these few weeks. I'm frustrated beyond words that I just can't do the things I normally do.
I've been told that I have an inordinate amount of patience. I don't know if that's as a result of teaching young children at the very beginning of my career or if I was able to do that because I have a lot of patience. I have patience with others to the "nth" power. So why is it so hard to be as patient with myself? What about helping yourself? What about helping your children help themselves?
Life Skills For Children (of all ages)
Feeling: Waiting for things can feel really really hard. You want it and you want it now.
Learning Tool: What to do? Well, for starters acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings. If your child is grouchy because s/he can't have whatever it is that they want acknowledge that the experience of wanting it can feel very frustrating but - hey - sometimes you just can't have what you want right when you want it. The earlier they learn to manage frustration the easier it will be for them later.
Teaching Patience to Young Children: Practice "waiting" for things. Tomorrow when your child asks for something routine (nothing urgent, emotionally loaded or necessary) ask her/him if s/he can wait for a moment or two because you are _______ (busy, engaged, finishing something up, tired etc.) Wait a short moment or two and then give them what they asked for.
Keep repeating this with longer and longer "wait" times. Nothing excessive, you're not trying to create frustration, you're trying to assist them in managing feelings of frustration while waiting.
Be consistent and honest. If you say you're going to give them something, or do something with them, keep your word. If you aren't able to be honest about that too. Again, the earlier they learn that they can't have everything they want, the way they want it, the second they want it, the better it will be for them in school, in relationships, in sports, in extracurricular activities, in life.
Toughie Tip: If your child absolutely can't tolerate the waiting the first few times you try it buy an old-fashioned egg timer and set it with them. Let them move the dial to the minute mark, give them something to do while they listen to the seconds tick off and have them bring the timer to you when it goes off. This gives them a feeling of control over the waiting.
As for you? And me? Well I'm a huge fan of substituting. Now that I can't walk around as much I'm filling that time with other things that I've put off. I'm catching up on a number of projects that require serious planting myself in a chair and doing. I'm finding ways to finish projects in the outdoors regardless. Wireless, pen and paper, cellphones, sunshine and foliage can go a long way in helping to manage the frustration.
And those moments that it just feels like too much? It will pass for you and with your help, for them. It always does, and that's something to look forward to.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
I'm learning that all over again as I deal with my limited mobility for these few weeks. I'm frustrated beyond words that I just can't do the things I normally do.
I've been told that I have an inordinate amount of patience. I don't know if that's as a result of teaching young children at the very beginning of my career or if I was able to do that because I have a lot of patience. I have patience with others to the "nth" power. So why is it so hard to be as patient with myself? What about helping yourself? What about helping your children help themselves?
Life Skills For Children (of all ages)
Feeling: Waiting for things can feel really really hard. You want it and you want it now.
Learning Tool: What to do? Well, for starters acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings. If your child is grouchy because s/he can't have whatever it is that they want acknowledge that the experience of wanting it can feel very frustrating but - hey - sometimes you just can't have what you want right when you want it. The earlier they learn to manage frustration the easier it will be for them later.
Teaching Patience to Young Children: Practice "waiting" for things. Tomorrow when your child asks for something routine (nothing urgent, emotionally loaded or necessary) ask her/him if s/he can wait for a moment or two because you are _______ (busy, engaged, finishing something up, tired etc.) Wait a short moment or two and then give them what they asked for.
Keep repeating this with longer and longer "wait" times. Nothing excessive, you're not trying to create frustration, you're trying to assist them in managing feelings of frustration while waiting.
Be consistent and honest. If you say you're going to give them something, or do something with them, keep your word. If you aren't able to be honest about that too. Again, the earlier they learn that they can't have everything they want, the way they want it, the second they want it, the better it will be for them in school, in relationships, in sports, in extracurricular activities, in life.
Toughie Tip: If your child absolutely can't tolerate the waiting the first few times you try it buy an old-fashioned egg timer and set it with them. Let them move the dial to the minute mark, give them something to do while they listen to the seconds tick off and have them bring the timer to you when it goes off. This gives them a feeling of control over the waiting.
As for you? And me? Well I'm a huge fan of substituting. Now that I can't walk around as much I'm filling that time with other things that I've put off. I'm catching up on a number of projects that require serious planting myself in a chair and doing. I'm finding ways to finish projects in the outdoors regardless. Wireless, pen and paper, cellphones, sunshine and foliage can go a long way in helping to manage the frustration.
And those moments that it just feels like too much? It will pass for you and with your help, for them. It always does, and that's something to look forward to.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
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