An answer to a great question.
LD writes "Excellent article! My biggest problem is my 12-year-old son will watch me do tons of cleaning and organizing, but seldom pitches in unless I outline a particular privilege that will be revoked unless he helps. Then once in a very great while, he'll do something totally out of the blue like put the clean dishes away out of the dishwasher without being asked. Am I getting through to him or are these just lucky quirks???"
First of all, as much as he'd neverevereverever admit it your son notices the things you do. Maybe not all of it because children don't realize the extent of the things that you do for them. How could they? They don't see much of it. They might not understand all the steps that went into that amazing dinner being on the table or the way you turned yourself and your schedule upside down in order to attend the school play or game. Think back - did you realize everything your parents did?
But he is noticing something and by helping you out he's letting you know. Thank him for the effort and encourage him to do it again. Explain that when he does that you have more time to spend with him on other things.
Children notice so much and they really learn to "do as you do". I have a favorite example from my teaching days. Although there was no dress code required for teachers I always wore skirts to work. One winter day the parent of one of my students asked me to please speak to her daughter about dressing for the weather. It seems that L. only wanted to wear skirts to school "like Miss Weingarten" and when they'd gone shopping that weekend had only wanted to buy skirts!
Here was a situation where I was making a professional statement to my students about school and teaching and how to dress professionally. My student clearly noticed it and was trying to emulate something I was doing. I certainly didn't do it because I wanted her to. I did it because I felt it was the right thing.
They're watching what you do and they are noticing. They notice how you behave with them and with others. They notice the things you do for them and for others. They notice how you interact. They notice how you manage stress. They notice how you celebrate joy. They notice how you indicate happiness and love. They notice.
So let's take it from there and apply it to encouraging your son to help more around the house.
1. Congratulate yourself on the job you're doing. He's noticing and for a 12 year old to be pitching in unasked - well - you are doing something very right.
2. Try substituting revoking something for the promise of adding something positive. How about taking the offensive and suggesting that if he help you around the house he can get that extra something? It doesn't have to be a "thing", it can be an event or a favorite food or whatever he'd enjoy.
3. Ask him if there's anything he could use help with. Explain that there are times that it feels like there's too much to do, or that it might be hard to ask for help or guidance and offer it. If/when he accepts talk about the experience casually. Ask him how it felt to get the extra hand and tell him you were happy to do it.
4. Work with him to coordinate a time schedule when he might be able to assist you for a little while. Start with 5 minutes or a quick and easy chore. Give him guidelines. Don't say anything negative about the way he did the chore. Just thank him for doing it.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Any thoughts or questions? Post them here or email me at kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
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2 comments:
Hi kiki,
a friend clued me into your blog and i have to tell you, i find myself nodding in agreement at your generous advice and very on target suggestions. my kids' teachers sometimes look like they're auditioning to be rockettes and i think it would make a huge difference in their attitude if they could find role models who showed by example instead of just telling them what to do.
AFM
Hi AFM,
Thanks for the kind words! Sounds like you're really interested in setting the right example and having your children learn by example.
Here's what you can do to be proactive about it. Start pointing out to your children people and behaviors that you approve of and would like them to emulate. It's hard to be the only one teaching by example so take advantage of the behavior of friends, relatives, strangers and even characters on tv.
See something you like? Point it out and explain to your children why it's a good thing to do.
See something you don't like. Point it out and explain why it isn't the right thing to do.
Children don't have the life experience or skills that adults do. They haven't yet seen or experienced the consequences of many actions. Keep pointing them out in an easy, friendly, conversational way and they'll start to notice it for themselves and emulate the positive while avoiding the negative.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
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