Thanksgiving Or Giving Thanks and Getting Through

Happy Thanksgiving! Or that's what it's supposed to be. The holidays have lots of good points and moments but the reality is that the holidays can be very tough. Lots of togetherness, lots of old resentments resurfacing, lots of tension simmering leading to new resentments, misunderstandings, hurt feelings....you know what I'm talking about.

One of the issues that comes up with many clients at this time of year is the additional difficulty of celebrating the holidays as a blended family. There are lots of different kinds of blended families but the challenges are similar. How to mesh different families, people, traditions, memories while managing the negative feelings that are particular to this situation?

Whether the family history includes divorce, a single parent becoming a married parent, death, remarriage, living with a new partner, new siblings, step-siblings....the list goes on and as our definition of family is redefined the situations may become more complicated but the goal is the same. Make the holidays and holiday celebrations as pleasant as possible.

There are too many specific situations to go into any of them in depth here but I'll just mention a few major points that I work with all my clients on.

* Try and be aware of your holiday triggers. Are there certain rituals or scenarios that set you off? Think about them and work around them. Avoid them if you can, make alternate arrangements, plan ahead, substitute something else in its stead. In some cases it's not possible so do the best you can to just get through it.

* Be sensitive to what the children involved are going through. They probably can't articulate the way that you can what's upsetting them or causing them discomfort, sadness, frustration or even grief. The holidays might bring up for them memories of someone they're not with, a family situation they wish was different, a new parent or a parent's new partner that they just don't like, in the case of divorce or a death in the family the child may be yearning for the past and resentful of the way things are now, and angry and rebellious at the way things are now.

* If your child is having a very hard time with changed life circumstances and the holiday celebration might be setting them off, sit them down for a talk. Argh you're thinking. I know. No one said it's easy but it is in many cases necessary. If it's next to impossible for you to talk to them about that you can begin the conversation by saying that. Tell them that it's difficult. That it's difficult for everyone. Tell them that this is the way it is now though and for today, this week, this month this is how it's going to be and that everyone needs to do the best they can. Ask them if there's some way you can assist them in getting through the holidays. You can even reminisce about times gone by "I know it's tough and you liked it better when ______" and even "I wish I could change things for you but for now this is our new reality, our new world, our new family _____".

Again, I'm not suggesting it's easy but I am suggesting that dealing with it makes the holidays go a bit easier than not dealing with it.

Good luck! Wishing you and yours everything wonderful,
RK