I don't usually snark here or talk about highly charged political or social issues. Today, however, I feel I must share a story that might feel like any or all of the above. I do it in the interest of illustrating some areas that I believe have gotten way out of control as far as people behaving badly.
I work with a terrific couple from Park Slope who are working like crazy to raise their three children well. The don't "parent", they are parents.
Tommy and Serena (not their real names)work with me to help streamline routines, to consolidate and implement goals and techniques for attaining them, on education issues, on life skills issues and all around on how to be a working family unit as well as a couple (with children). Tommy works in finance and works all kinds of hours in a very high-pressure position, Serena is a freelance graphic artist, the children are 6 and a set of 4 year old twins. A lot going on. Lots to manage. Lots to organize. Lots to deal with.
Last week the 6 year old was invited to a birthday party that was supposed to begin at 7:30 pm and Serena and Tommy decided that it was too late. It would mean that he wouldn't be home at least until 9-9:30 and wouldn't get to sleep (if they were lucky) until 10:00 (forget about the sugar rush and the overstimulated angle). They thanked their friend for the invitation but explained why their son wouldn't be able to attend. Sounds simple, right? Well, let the backlash begin!
It seems that one of her close friends called her and told her that she's "too strict" and warned her that she's going to make her children nerds. At the playground that afternoon two other mothers told her the same thing in different words. It seems that they have worked out late-night arrangements for their pre-schoolers and didn't understand why Serena and Tommy weren't doing the same.
"What about when Tommy works late? You mean he doesn't see the children? We let our children (pre-schoolers) stay up until 10:00 so that we can all eat dinner as a family."
Serena wasn't sure what to do but felt that she'd made the right decision about the party considering the late hour. I totally agreed with her and felt that she'd done the right thing. Her issue now was how to deal with the increased pressure by the other parents.
I've worked with parents who tell me that they don't want to feel that their social options are limited because they have become parents. I worked for a short while with woman who was incensed that the local bar wouldn't allow her in with her baby, she thought I was "too strict" and that her children will become nerds if she wasn't free and easy and went with the flow. We mutually decided that we weren't the best fit to work together.
I'll talk more tomorrow about the work that Serena, Tommy and I are doing about this and other related issues, the pressure when you want to do the right thing for your children and people around you aren't. It seems that peer pressure doesn't end after college. There's no time like the present to assert who you are.
Has this happened to any of you? Post or email me at kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
Enjoy the day (and stand your ground!)
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6 comments:
Wow. You know so many people I know are held hostage by their spoiled kisd. And I swore I'd be diffrent when I had my onw. While I'm not as far gone as these misguided families, I worry that I let my own kids get away with bloody murder. How can we stop making hese bad desisions?
I feel the pressure. I'm from the Midwest living in Cobble Hill now and I don't know what's wrong with being firm with your children. I'm going to print this out and show it to my husband when he gets home tonight. The kids will be asleep - but shhhhh I won't tell anyone at the playground. I needed this.
Kiki Thanks! I've been waiting for this. I sent it to my sister-in-law who is so busy reading and talking about "parenting" that she just isn't a parent/Mom at all. I also sent it to some of the Prospect Heights crowd. You rock!
"Tommy" - take some time off and spend it with the wife and kids before it's too late. You'll be happier. (Been there - done that)
Wow! I'm really beginning to feel old. No one from my generation would put up with parental peer pressure. We're always too busy backing each other up to our strong-willed kids (mostly teens by now). 7:30 p.m. for a 6-year-old's party??? That's ridiculous. I applaud Tommy and Serena and I hope they find people who share their values to associate with.
Wow - so many people had so much to say about this one. I'll be posting part 2 next week.
"Tommy and Serena" (the kids and jobs were also changed to protect their identities) were thrilled to hear the responses and have felt very supported and not alone in what they're going through. People have been sending support emails and it seems that people have had enough of bad behavior - of all kinds.
More on this topic -
RK
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