Setting Limits - Giving Children a Childhood Re: Never Too Young For a Pedicure

I received many emails and questions this morning about the very, very disturbing article in today's New York Times Never Too Young for That First Pedicure asking me what I thought.

What do I think? I think that there is a time that a child is too young for a pedicure and everything else that might go along with that. Why the rush? Why are people rushing children past the most wonderful, innocent, fun and youthful times of their lives?

The best way to phrase this comes from something my own mother said to my younger sister (Rachel C.)years ago. My sister's classmate got some ridiculously inappropriate outfit for a girl that age - I think it was a white mink skirt for a tween or early teen. After hearing all about the outfit my mother responded "what will she have to look forward to?".

That's it in a nutshell. What will they have to look forward to?

I work with people who are working very hard to raise their children the best way they can, in a world that seems to have decided that children are a consumer opportunity, miniature adults, accessories, in charge and lots of other things. They're not.

Setting limits for children is a loving and generous thing. You are allowing them the freedom to be children and not have to deal with situations that they aren't equipped to deal with now and that they'll have plenty of time to deal with later. You are giving children the opportunity of having an authority figure who tells, and shows, them how to navigate the world while they're too young to understand the consequences of many of their actions.

Many parents I work with are often afraid at the beginning to set limits because they're afraid their children "won't love them" "will be angry at them" "won't think I'm cool". So?

Yes. You heard that right. So? They will love you even if they say "I hate you", it is inevitable that they will be angry with you and quite frankly your job as a parent is not to be there in order to be cool. If you want constant adulation and cool appreciation become a rock star.

You are there as their parent, first role models and authority figures. At some point every parent who is doing a good job and is asserting their authority will hear the dreaded "I hate you". Guess what? You'll live through it. Your children will live through it. Sometimes they'll feel that way. It doesn't mean it will last forever, it doesn't even mean it's unusual. It's just what they're feeling at the moment.

The question is do you have the guts to stand up for what you believe in?
Can you be a role model in asserting your beliefs and opinions to your children? If you can, whether they like it or not, they'll learn to stand up for what they believe in. It won't happen until they're older but it will happen and then you'll hear and feel the love.

Can you delay the gratification until then? Can you tolerate the negative feelings they'll be having toward you? Great. That's how they will learn how to do the same.

Enjoy the day your way,
RK

Feel free to email any comments or questions to
rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com

Rebecca Kiki Weingarten M.Sc.Ed, MFA
Daily Life Consulting