Helping Children Fail Successfully - Part 3 of a 3-Part Series

In Part 1 and Part 2 of Helping Children Fail Successfully I talked a bit about changing the term "fear of failure" to "fear of learning nothing from failure" and outlined a first step for approaching this attitude change. Asking yourselves questions about your thoughts and reactions to failure. I was amazed at the email and session comments and questions. Hmmmm, can you imagine? Just about every single email mentioned a failure that hit you very hard. Of course they did. You wanted something, you worked toward getting it, you imagined your life after it and it didn't happen.

I loved hearing about how you reacted and why. The ways in which it moved you forward or sometimes kept you stuck. But enough about you for right now. Let's talk about you and how your reactions to failure affect how you interact with the children in your lives when it comes to succeeding. Most of you asked for specifics. How-to deal with competition, success and failure.

Quick Start Coaching Tips for changing "fear of failure" to "fear of learning nothing from failure".

1. Begin the dialogue before the event. Discuss the different outcomes as you are working with your child toward the goal. Use the following questions as an outline for the types of conversations you might have.

Note: Use an intro to talking about it that is most comfortable for you. You can use the internet to surf ways to practice or get information on the topic together, the drive to and from practice, the dinner table, going out to a movie,lunch or shopping together for some special-together-time. Whatever works for you.

* Would you like to win/get _____?
* Why do you want to win/get _____?
* What might happen as a result of winning/achieving?
* Do you know anyone who has ever won/finished/gotten ______________?
* Do you know anyone who wanted to ____________ but didn't?
* How can you prepare to achieve it?

2. Identify role models (yourself included!)

* Choose role models that mirror the activity or goal involved. Actors if it's a role in the school play, athletes if it's a sport, musicians if it's music, astronauts if it's space-travel related, scientists etc.

* Discuss their achievements and what makes them positive role models.
* Ask the tough questions - do you think they reached every goal they set out to?
How do you think they prepare? What happens when they lose/don't achieve?

Note: Try and get some information for yourself so that you can mention it in the conversation. There's tons of biographical information available online. You might also include experiences from your own life to include.


3. After the fall..... Ok. The worst happened. Disappointment, dejection, sadness...name the bad feeling that's washing over your child and give her/him a chance to feel them. THEN - dig in and figure out;

* What happened?
* What do you think might have contributed?
* Note all the circumstances within and OUT OF the child's control.

4. Change the language of the event. Move forward. Use these two simple words and three simple words.

* Next time....
* In the future....

What you're doing by using those phrases is moving forward immediately, planning for the future, getting into a "try again" mentality and showing your child that the situation is not a be-all-and-end-all. It's an experience. There will be other experiences if they keep on moving forward and trying again.


Many parents try and shield their children from disappointment, rejection, failure and anything negative but in the long run that's not the best way to assist children in preparing for the future. It can be a tough world out there. We all want things we might not get, or might get them later than we wanted or in a different way than we anticipated. Children need to develop the mentality and the skills to deal with setbacks, disappointments and failure. That's how they can continue onward and upward to eventually succeed.

Look at anyone you know who has accomplished something, or many things. Now, ask them how many times they've failed.

Enjoy the day your way and let me know how it goes!
Rebecca (Kiki)
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Daily Life Consulting
For information on individual coaching, workshops, seminars or classes and materials for your group or institution please call or email at 646.468.0608 or coach at dailylifeconsulting dot com