In Part 1 and Part 2 of Helping Children Fail Successfully I talked a bit about changing the term "fear of failure" to "fear of learning nothing from failure" and outlined a first step for approaching this attitude change. Asking yourselves questions about your thoughts and reactions to failure. I was amazed at the email and session comments and questions. Hmmmm, can you imagine? Just about every single email mentioned a failure that hit you very hard. Of course they did. You wanted something, you worked toward getting it, you imagined your life after it and it didn't happen.
I loved hearing about how you reacted and why. The ways in which it moved you forward or sometimes kept you stuck. But enough about you for right now. Let's talk about you and how your reactions to failure affect how you interact with the children in your lives when it comes to succeeding. Most of you asked for specifics. How-to deal with competition, success and failure.
Quick Start Coaching Tips for changing "fear of failure" to "fear of learning nothing from failure".
1. Begin the dialogue before the event. Discuss the different outcomes as you are working with your child toward the goal. Use the following questions as an outline for the types of conversations you might have.
Note: Use an intro to talking about it that is most comfortable for you. You can use the internet to surf ways to practice or get information on the topic together, the drive to and from practice, the dinner table, going out to a movie,lunch or shopping together for some special-together-time. Whatever works for you.
* Would you like to win/get _____?
* Why do you want to win/get _____?
* What might happen as a result of winning/achieving?
* Do you know anyone who has ever won/finished/gotten ______________?
* Do you know anyone who wanted to ____________ but didn't?
* How can you prepare to achieve it?
2. Identify role models (yourself included!)
* Choose role models that mirror the activity or goal involved. Actors if it's a role in the school play, athletes if it's a sport, musicians if it's music, astronauts if it's space-travel related, scientists etc.
* Discuss their achievements and what makes them positive role models.
* Ask the tough questions - do you think they reached every goal they set out to?
How do you think they prepare? What happens when they lose/don't achieve?
Note: Try and get some information for yourself so that you can mention it in the conversation. There's tons of biographical information available online. You might also include experiences from your own life to include.
3. After the fall..... Ok. The worst happened. Disappointment, dejection, sadness...name the bad feeling that's washing over your child and give her/him a chance to feel them. THEN - dig in and figure out;
* What happened?
* What do you think might have contributed?
* Note all the circumstances within and OUT OF the child's control.
4. Change the language of the event. Move forward. Use these two simple words and three simple words.
* Next time....
* In the future....
What you're doing by using those phrases is moving forward immediately, planning for the future, getting into a "try again" mentality and showing your child that the situation is not a be-all-and-end-all. It's an experience. There will be other experiences if they keep on moving forward and trying again.
Many parents try and shield their children from disappointment, rejection, failure and anything negative but in the long run that's not the best way to assist children in preparing for the future. It can be a tough world out there. We all want things we might not get, or might get them later than we wanted or in a different way than we anticipated. Children need to develop the mentality and the skills to deal with setbacks, disappointments and failure. That's how they can continue onward and upward to eventually succeed.
Look at anyone you know who has accomplished something, or many things. Now, ask them how many times they've failed.
Enjoy the day your way and let me know how it goes!
Rebecca (Kiki)
*******************
Daily Life Consulting
For information on individual coaching, workshops, seminars or classes and materials for your group or institution please call or email at 646.468.0608 or coach at dailylifeconsulting dot com
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Helping Children Fail Successfully - Part 2 of a 3 part series
In Part 1 of Helping Children Fail Successfully I talked a bit about success, failure and how to teach children to fail successfully. I proposed we change the term Fear of Failure to Fear of Learning Nothing From Failure. Today, we'll start on the sometimes tough work of thinking about how one reacts to failure and next week I'll provide some Quick Start Coaching Tips for teaching children to succeed at everything they attempt. How? To succeed in their endeavors, certainly, but also to get something positive from the times they fail. The way I see it it's a win-win, lose-win situation!
Quick Start Coaching Tip: This weekend it's all about you.
Who likes thinking about their failures? Well, it won't be forever (a great lesson to be learned from a failure!) and it's an important step in understanding how your methods of dealing in both positive and negative ways might impact the way you approach it with your children.
1. Can you remember a situation where you really wanted to succeed at something but didn't? (think back to last week or as far back as grade school)
Was it a job? A competition? A marathon? A game? A promotion? A personal goal you set but weren't able to achieve? A part in the school play? A date for prom? A grade you wanted on an exam? A course you wanted to take? That cute guy/girl you were just dying to go out with? The account you wanted to land?(I just came up with about a dozen myself!)
2. Write down the words that come to mind that describe how you felt.
Angry, sad, furious, enraged, depressed, dejected, ashamed, annoyed, blase, hysterical, whichever words work for you.
3. What did you do next?
Did you brood? Did you give up on the whole thing altogether? Did you try and figure out what you might have done differently? Did you blame yourself completely for the failure? Did you ask other people for support? Did you shut yourself away alone until you got over it? Did you abandon all hope for ever achieving the goal? Did you recharge and attempt it again? Did you try to achieve it a different way?
The list of ways one reacts is vast. Everyone has their own way of dealing with failure what we're trying to do here is identify your particular way of reacting so that you can think about how that impacts the way you react to the failure/s of the children in your life.
4. Would you react differently to it today? How?
Experience is a great teacher (I love her but I really wish she was always kind to me instead of teaching me some lessons the hard way!). Time often provides us with a new perspective on an old situation.
5. What did you learn about yourself and what's right for you by going through the situation?
Take a couple of days to think about it. Next week you'll use that personal knowledge to move forward with teaching the children in your life about failing, failing good, and how to learn from their failures and disappointments so that they can move forward successfully. That might sound like a contradiction but it really isn't.
Email me your war stories, tears, upsets and all. I love hearing from you.
To read Part 1 of the series click HERE
Enjoy the day your way,
Rebecca (Kiki)
Daily Life Consulting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For more information on coaching, groups, workshops, seminars or classes, lectures and materials for your group or organization please call 646.468.0608 or email me at kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
Quick Start Coaching Tip: This weekend it's all about you.
Who likes thinking about their failures? Well, it won't be forever (a great lesson to be learned from a failure!) and it's an important step in understanding how your methods of dealing in both positive and negative ways might impact the way you approach it with your children.
1. Can you remember a situation where you really wanted to succeed at something but didn't? (think back to last week or as far back as grade school)
Was it a job? A competition? A marathon? A game? A promotion? A personal goal you set but weren't able to achieve? A part in the school play? A date for prom? A grade you wanted on an exam? A course you wanted to take? That cute guy/girl you were just dying to go out with? The account you wanted to land?(I just came up with about a dozen myself!)
2. Write down the words that come to mind that describe how you felt.
Angry, sad, furious, enraged, depressed, dejected, ashamed, annoyed, blase, hysterical, whichever words work for you.
3. What did you do next?
Did you brood? Did you give up on the whole thing altogether? Did you try and figure out what you might have done differently? Did you blame yourself completely for the failure? Did you ask other people for support? Did you shut yourself away alone until you got over it? Did you abandon all hope for ever achieving the goal? Did you recharge and attempt it again? Did you try to achieve it a different way?
The list of ways one reacts is vast. Everyone has their own way of dealing with failure what we're trying to do here is identify your particular way of reacting so that you can think about how that impacts the way you react to the failure/s of the children in your life.
4. Would you react differently to it today? How?
Experience is a great teacher (I love her but I really wish she was always kind to me instead of teaching me some lessons the hard way!). Time often provides us with a new perspective on an old situation.
5. What did you learn about yourself and what's right for you by going through the situation?
Take a couple of days to think about it. Next week you'll use that personal knowledge to move forward with teaching the children in your life about failing, failing good, and how to learn from their failures and disappointments so that they can move forward successfully. That might sound like a contradiction but it really isn't.
Email me your war stories, tears, upsets and all. I love hearing from you.
To read Part 1 of the series click HERE
Enjoy the day your way,
Rebecca (Kiki)
Daily Life Consulting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For more information on coaching, groups, workshops, seminars or classes, lectures and materials for your group or organization please call 646.468.0608 or email me at kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Helping Children Fail Successfully - A 3 Part Series
Fear of failure? Let's change that term to Fear of Learning Nothing From Failure.
No one wins all the time. No one. The greatest athletes mess up, fumble, strike out, fall, choke (fill in the term you use) all the time. It happens. Actors flub lines and get stage fright. Business leaders and owners make wrong decisions with serious consequences. Politicians lose elections. Scientist's experiments don't go the way they thought they would. Writers get writer's block or write something that they hate. Chefs burn the main dish.
The question is what happens after a failure? What do you do next?Did anyone get anywhere without some kind of failure along the way? Not a chance. The people who have achieved the most have also failed.
I've worked with so many children and parents throughout the years and this one area seems to trouble both groups the most. Failing at something. Whether it's not getting the lead, or any part, in the school play, not making the team, failing on a test or not doing well, making a public mistake at the recital, failing emotionally, failing socially, failing interpersonally...the list goes on and on. What to do? Parents are agitated and upset, the children are despondent and often anxious about their parent's reaction to the failure/upset.
The pressure to achieve everything, at all costs, publicly and every single time has been seeping into our collective national personality for a while. It's causing unreasonable expectations for parents and children.
I've decided to spend the next few posts talking about ways in which parents and adults who work with children can manage their expectations for themselves and their children, learn how to accept failure and disappointment in themselves and their children, and learn how to use failure as a positive learning opportunity.
When working with clients to achieve the above an amazing thing happens. They and their children try more new things! The fears are manageable, a failure doesn't become a catastrophic event and can be seen in context. Parents and children learn about managing frustration and disappointment. They also learn about expanding their options, being realistic about abilities and new ways to try achieving the same aims.
In short they learn my clients learn that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again - oh - and try, try differently - oh - and try, try something new - oh - and try, try to measure yourself against only you".
I look forward to writing more about it - it's a topic I work with people on, lecture and teach but maybe I can learn some new things by approaching it in this new way.
Enjoy the day your way,
Rebecca (Kiki)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For information on coaching, workshops, seminars, classes or materials for your group, school or institution please call 646.468.0608 or email me at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com.
No one wins all the time. No one. The greatest athletes mess up, fumble, strike out, fall, choke (fill in the term you use) all the time. It happens. Actors flub lines and get stage fright. Business leaders and owners make wrong decisions with serious consequences. Politicians lose elections. Scientist's experiments don't go the way they thought they would. Writers get writer's block or write something that they hate. Chefs burn the main dish.
The question is what happens after a failure? What do you do next?Did anyone get anywhere without some kind of failure along the way? Not a chance. The people who have achieved the most have also failed.
I've worked with so many children and parents throughout the years and this one area seems to trouble both groups the most. Failing at something. Whether it's not getting the lead, or any part, in the school play, not making the team, failing on a test or not doing well, making a public mistake at the recital, failing emotionally, failing socially, failing interpersonally...the list goes on and on. What to do? Parents are agitated and upset, the children are despondent and often anxious about their parent's reaction to the failure/upset.
The pressure to achieve everything, at all costs, publicly and every single time has been seeping into our collective national personality for a while. It's causing unreasonable expectations for parents and children.
I've decided to spend the next few posts talking about ways in which parents and adults who work with children can manage their expectations for themselves and their children, learn how to accept failure and disappointment in themselves and their children, and learn how to use failure as a positive learning opportunity.
When working with clients to achieve the above an amazing thing happens. They and their children try more new things! The fears are manageable, a failure doesn't become a catastrophic event and can be seen in context. Parents and children learn about managing frustration and disappointment. They also learn about expanding their options, being realistic about abilities and new ways to try achieving the same aims.
In short they learn my clients learn that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again - oh - and try, try differently - oh - and try, try something new - oh - and try, try to measure yourself against only you".
I look forward to writing more about it - it's a topic I work with people on, lecture and teach but maybe I can learn some new things by approaching it in this new way.
Enjoy the day your way,
Rebecca (Kiki)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For information on coaching, workshops, seminars, classes or materials for your group, school or institution please call 646.468.0608 or email me at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Summer Fun!
Could it get more hectic? I'm thinking....Yes! Many of you are finding the transition to summer a bit more complicated and time consuming than you thought it would be. We work on these issues as part of our Transition workshops and come up with methods, plans and ways to make it all seem seamless and as painless as possible. It takes some time and direction which is impossible to replicate in a blog post but in answer to emails and questions I'll just give you a quick nudge in the right direction.
Quick Start Steps:
1. Take out your calendars and start filling in the dates.
* How much "free" time will the children have?
* How do you want them to fill it?
2. Plan Activities and Alternates.
* Choose one activity for each block of time
(yes, it's a ton!)and choose 5 or so summer appropriate alternates.
This way you're prepared for changes due to weather, car trouble, colds and all
the other things that come up.
3. Make Arrangements.
*Make arrangements for at least 1-2 weeks in advance so that you have breathin
room.
*Make contingency plans (you're going to need them)
*Create travel and cleanup routines. Make charts, use pictures, whatever works.
4. Gather the troops.
* Prepare your support system of adults.
* Sit down with the children and let them know what you've got in mind for them
and what you're planning.
5. Ask for input.
*From your adult support system and the children. Each group may have good ideas and ways to put it all together that you haven't thought of.
And the MOST IMPORTANT element. Sit down for this one (ok you're sitting but you know what I mean). Ready? Ok. I mean really ready?
6. HAVE FUN!!!
It sounds almost impossible what with planning and doing and arranging and organizing and cleaning up but it is possible. These days will never be here in quite this way again. Enjoy the moments, they add up to lots of beautiful memories.
Enjoy the day your way -
Rebecca (Kiki)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For more information about coaching, workshops, groups, seminars, materials for your classes, groups or organizations please call 646.468.0608 or email coach at daily life consulting.
Quick Start Steps:
1. Take out your calendars and start filling in the dates.
* How much "free" time will the children have?
* How do you want them to fill it?
2. Plan Activities and Alternates.
* Choose one activity for each block of time
(yes, it's a ton!)and choose 5 or so summer appropriate alternates.
This way you're prepared for changes due to weather, car trouble, colds and all
the other things that come up.
3. Make Arrangements.
*Make arrangements for at least 1-2 weeks in advance so that you have breathin
room.
*Make contingency plans (you're going to need them)
*Create travel and cleanup routines. Make charts, use pictures, whatever works.
4. Gather the troops.
* Prepare your support system of adults.
* Sit down with the children and let them know what you've got in mind for them
and what you're planning.
5. Ask for input.
*From your adult support system and the children. Each group may have good ideas and ways to put it all together that you haven't thought of.
And the MOST IMPORTANT element. Sit down for this one (ok you're sitting but you know what I mean). Ready? Ok. I mean really ready?
6. HAVE FUN!!!
It sounds almost impossible what with planning and doing and arranging and organizing and cleaning up but it is possible. These days will never be here in quite this way again. Enjoy the moments, they add up to lots of beautiful memories.
Enjoy the day your way -
Rebecca (Kiki)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For more information about coaching, workshops, groups, seminars, materials for your classes, groups or organizations please call 646.468.0608 or email coach at daily life consulting.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Great Article - Emo and Goth: What's It All About by Amanda Morin
Of course I'm biased because I think Amanda is a great and smart writer and person. Great article on an interesting and sometimes worrisome issue Emo and Goth: What's It All About
Coaching Tip: Keep an eye out for any drastic changes in your child's behavior. Behavior problems, school problems, eating problems/changes, mood changes. Talk to your child about what's going on in their lives - not that that will always be easy but find a way to do it. Children, tweens and teens often act out issues so keeping an eye out for changes and addressing them early is a great strategy.
Enjoy the day your way,
Rk
Rebecca Kiki Weingarten M.Sc.Ed, MFA
Daily Life Consulting
For more information on seminars, workshops and individual coaching call 646.468.0608
Coaching Tip: Keep an eye out for any drastic changes in your child's behavior. Behavior problems, school problems, eating problems/changes, mood changes. Talk to your child about what's going on in their lives - not that that will always be easy but find a way to do it. Children, tweens and teens often act out issues so keeping an eye out for changes and addressing them early is a great strategy.
Enjoy the day your way,
Rk
Rebecca Kiki Weingarten M.Sc.Ed, MFA
Daily Life Consulting
For more information on seminars, workshops and individual coaching call 646.468.0608
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
