Setting Limits - Giving Children a Childhood Re: Never Too Young For a Pedicure

I received many emails and questions this morning about the very, very disturbing article in today's New York Times Never Too Young for That First Pedicure asking me what I thought.

What do I think? I think that there is a time that a child is too young for a pedicure and everything else that might go along with that. Why the rush? Why are people rushing children past the most wonderful, innocent, fun and youthful times of their lives?

The best way to phrase this comes from something my own mother said to my younger sister (Rachel C.)years ago. My sister's classmate got some ridiculously inappropriate outfit for a girl that age - I think it was a white mink skirt for a tween or early teen. After hearing all about the outfit my mother responded "what will she have to look forward to?".

That's it in a nutshell. What will they have to look forward to?

I work with people who are working very hard to raise their children the best way they can, in a world that seems to have decided that children are a consumer opportunity, miniature adults, accessories, in charge and lots of other things. They're not.

Setting limits for children is a loving and generous thing. You are allowing them the freedom to be children and not have to deal with situations that they aren't equipped to deal with now and that they'll have plenty of time to deal with later. You are giving children the opportunity of having an authority figure who tells, and shows, them how to navigate the world while they're too young to understand the consequences of many of their actions.

Many parents I work with are often afraid at the beginning to set limits because they're afraid their children "won't love them" "will be angry at them" "won't think I'm cool". So?

Yes. You heard that right. So? They will love you even if they say "I hate you", it is inevitable that they will be angry with you and quite frankly your job as a parent is not to be there in order to be cool. If you want constant adulation and cool appreciation become a rock star.

You are there as their parent, first role models and authority figures. At some point every parent who is doing a good job and is asserting their authority will hear the dreaded "I hate you". Guess what? You'll live through it. Your children will live through it. Sometimes they'll feel that way. It doesn't mean it will last forever, it doesn't even mean it's unusual. It's just what they're feeling at the moment.

The question is do you have the guts to stand up for what you believe in?
Can you be a role model in asserting your beliefs and opinions to your children? If you can, whether they like it or not, they'll learn to stand up for what they believe in. It won't happen until they're older but it will happen and then you'll hear and feel the love.

Can you delay the gratification until then? Can you tolerate the negative feelings they'll be having toward you? Great. That's how they will learn how to do the same.

Enjoy the day your way,
RK

Feel free to email any comments or questions to
rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com

Rebecca Kiki Weingarten M.Sc.Ed, MFA
Daily Life Consulting

Taking Play Seriously - NY Times

The cover story in this week's New York Times Magazine Taking Play Seriously by Robin Marantz Henig has been the focus of so many sessions, emails and questions.

My short answer. PLAY. PLAY. PLAY. PLAY. Play on. Play again. Play some more. Hey - wanna play? Let's play and of course the classic "let's go out and play". I think that just about covers it.

I won't go into the myriad educational, psychological, neurological, sociological or psychosocial reasons here. Any of you who want to discuss that in more depth we can do that during your sessions, workshops etc. But for now, for today, for here and now. Play. Play. Play. Let your children play and as I discussed in my blog post for Daily Life Consulting - Kick Start Self Coaching, you go play too!

Life can be full of serious moments and experiences. At the same time, life can and should be full of play and happiness.

Marlena said this morning during a workshop that she "needs permission" to play. Well, Marlena and all the rest of you who need permission. Poof! I wave my magic wand and give you permission. Whew! Don't you feel better now? And I "give you" permission because the best way your children can learn to play and have fun and enjoy life is if they see you doing it.

Children learn and grow by doing and playing. Same goes for big children and adults.

Enjoy the day your way and don't forget to play along the way,
RK

Parents Know Best - Learning As You Go

Good Morning and we've made it to another weekend. Great news for some, and then there are parents of school-age children who have so much going on during the weekend that they heave a sigh of relief when school starts on Monday. (You know who you are!).

I remember the happy smiles and the all the warmth and love that came my way during my teaching years. Sure, the parents were happy that I loved their children and was a good teacher (if I do say so myself, and apparently I am) but more than that - they were so darn happy that school was starting. Forget Mondays - after holidays and summer vacation...boy did I feel the love. The sun didn't shine as warm as the smiles of the parents dropping their children off at school after a week or more of vacation.

Having said that....This post is in response to the emails and questions I've gotten regarding the post below (learning from the Giants) and others where I've given suggestions for different activities or ways of communicating.

In short -

These are suggestions. It's not a script to follow word for word. The questions are a way to possibly get the conversation/s going. One or more to try something in a way you haven't tried it before.

Don't try them all at once and don't think you have to. It's an outline, a cheat sheet for thinking about interacting in a new way.

Not everything will work with every child. You know that even among siblings children can be so different from one another. Think about all the people you know, would every way of interacting with one, work with all of them?

You know yourself and your child best. When working with parents, many wish I could (and ask for) the definitive way of being the best parent they can and assisting their children in growing into and becoming successful adults emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and every other way.

Now for THE SECRET to achieving that.....(drum roll).....(another drum roll)...

There is no secret. No ONE WAY. There is the way that works for you, your children, your family, your life vision, lifestyle and the society that you choose to live in.

Your job is to do the best job you can with the tools and circumstances you're given and the hand you've been dealt. That means working within the parameters of your temperament, your children's temperaments, the value system you live by and would like to instill in them.

So this weekend, while you're running around if you're feeling harried and tired and sometimes cranky stop for a minute (ok a second - who has a whole minute?) and congratulate yourself on trying to do the best you can.

Enjoy the day your way,
RK

Learning From (the NY) Giants

Hi All and Congratulations to all Giants fans on a great victory. It's all people have been talking about for the last couple of days, ok besides the primaries yesterday.

Many parents had these kinds of thoughts -
"I wish my kids were as interested in books as they are in sports!"
"If my son paid half as close attention to ANYTHING as he does to the Giants season he'd be ________."
"I think my daughter's a little too young to be watching a football game because a player is "hot", she's only 10 and I'm a bit concerned."
"I wish I could get my kids to sit down and do their homework the way they sat down to watch the game."
"Amazing! They can follow all the details about the team and the games but can't concentrate on anything school-related."
"Did you notice that when they're watching the game they don't have to be on/the phone/listening to their ipods/texting all at the same time?"

All true. All relevant. All interesting. Good observations. Good questions.

Guess what? This is actually great stuff! Here's what you know.
Your children can show interest in something challenging.
Your children are able to sit down and concentrate on something.
Your children can focus on doing one thing at a time.

How? Start by going to where they are.
Meaning, use their interests as a starting point. Get them talking about themselves and the things they like. If you were doing that with football as a starting point, here are some ideas for ways to 'get the ball rolling'.

* Reading?
Get them books and magazines about their favorite sports and heroes.
* Current Events?
Follow the team's progress in the newspapers and online.
* Math?
Talk about the plays and follow them. What had to be taken into account? How far did the ball have to go? What kind of analytical skills did Eli Manning have to have in order to plan out and execute the plays?
* Leadership?
What character traits did Eli Manning, Coach Coughlin and the team exhibit during the season? During the game?
How did they react to the negative things that were being said and written and said about them?
* Science?
How did the weather affect the game?
What did they have to take into account when playing in the Northeast or the Southwest?
* Sportsmanship?
How did the Giants and Patriots react before,during and after the game? How do you think they felt? What did they learn?
* Planning and Reaching Goals?
How did the team come to win the Superbowl? Did they have to practice? Were they born being great football players? What kinds of obstacles did they face and overcome?
* Personal Goals?
What might you want to do? What do you think you'd have to do to achieve it? What skills will you need? Who can you get to help you reach your goals?

Children love and need to be heard and listened to. They might not be comfortable talking at first if they're not used to it but stick to it.
Don't become frustrated by monosyllabic grumblings or answers.
Keep the lines of communication open about the things they're interested in. It's a great way to get to know them, teach them and learn from them.

Good luck and let me know how it goes - drop me an email at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting.com

Enjoy the day your way,
Rebecca (Kiki)

Daily Life Coaching http://www.dailylifecoaching.com