Amy G. sent me an email asking how she can possibly begin to teach her 15 year old daughter gratitude "when she hates me, everything about me, everything about my life and what I stand for, do, wear, eat....if we weren't having Thanksgiving at our house this year I don't even know if she'd show up".
Amy G. you have got your work cut out for you but don't fear and don't despair, you are not alone. I work with many parents who are going through the same kinds of things and the holidays are especially difficult.
First of all. Remember this. I'm going to sound tough as nails now but so be it. You are her mother. She is living under your roof. You are supporting her. She might "hate" everything about you (whatever - being 15 isn't easy either) but there is a certain modicum of respect with which she needs to treat you.
Having said that. Let's empathize for one second with a 15 year old girl in today's world. I'm glad it's not me. The societal and social pressures are horrendous in addition to all that hormonal activity going on and the need to differentiate and individuate - in other words the need to become her own person.
How's this for a novel approach? Next time she tells you that she hates something you're doing, ask her why? What is it about it that she finds so horrible? If it's clothing, ask her suggestion as to what she thinks you might be doing differently. If it doesn't work for you explain why, and who knows - it just might work for you.
As for the developing appreciation - this time of year is actually a good time to sneak it in with all the holiday preparation and gift shopping.
Developing appreciation tip:
* Start making a holiday shopping list with her.
- Who is on her list?
- Why are they on the list, what is their relationship to her?
- What have they done for/with her this year that she believes warrants a gift or token of appreciation?
- Research teen-focused charities on the internet. Which does she think do worthwhile work? How? How is she lucky not to be in that situation?
Amy, that's only the first few steps. It takes a lot of work and she will probably begin by figuratively (or literally) kicking and screaming. Remember, she's going through her own stuff - you're actually a safe haven for letting out some of her frustration and confusion. It's not easy to be that person and there is behavior that you don't have to accept. Remember that too.
Start with this and keep me posted. And - do nice things for yourself. Write yourself a list of the things that you deserve acknowledgement and thanks for and do something nice for yourself!
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2 comments:
Hey - me again. Thanks for the suggestions. My son is 12 but I'm going to try the gift-giving list idea with him. Cool.
As a Dad I don't know how to play it. You read all this stuff about women's relationships with their fathers and how it effects their relationships with men. I don't want to mess up her future but I don't like letting her play with what I consider fire.
How strict is too strict? Her boyfriend now is one big zero. Do I forbid her to see him or let her get it out of her system now while she's still young (15)?
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