Answers to Friday's Comments

Regrets for the delay in answering your comments but in the interest of surviving technological overload I try to be offline from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. It's not always easy but always worthwhile, and I find that I can hear myself think clearly before, during and after that time.

Before - because I know I have that haven coming up soon. During - because as tough as it is sometimes, and as drawn as I am to my tech toys I've gotten to the point where I can do it pretty easily and allow myself to interact with myself and others in a real-life-daily-way. After - because I've had the time to shut out all the overload of information. It's a technique that's been working for me - some of my clients have tried it. It works for different people in different increments of time.

Now - to your comments and thanks for taking the time to post - I love hearing your thoughts and comments, it's always food for thought for me.

T.N. - You're issue and question about teenage girls and the messages they get from the outside world is one of the toughest issues parents and teens are currently facing. I'll be talking about the topic in future posts. In the meantime - keep reinforcing positive role models, say "no" and keep to it. She won't like it but you're the parent and she's not going to like everything you do. It might be hard for you to tolerate the feeling of her not liking you right at that minute but it can't actually harm either of you physically and will do a lot for getting her on the right track.

Diana - It's tough to come up with activities that would be appropriate for the ages of both your daughters. How about if you ask your older daughter to do the project with your younger daughter?

Being the role model for an activity about role models will get your older daughter thinking in new ways as she guides the little one through the topic.

Your younger daughter will look up to the older one as a role model and you'd be amazed at how that will inspire the older one to think about her behaviors differently knowing someone is depending on her to do the right thing and act the right way. It will also be a catalyst to thinking about things she may not have before. Instead of acting impulsively she might give a moment's thought to how the behavior might appear to her younger sister.

It will also give you a chance to take a step back from the topic so that the older one doesn't have to rebel as much. She's the one in charge. She's making the decisions. She's choosing behaviors to highlight or downplay. She's in charge of deciding what works and what doesn't.

As for you - use the found time to be a role model for the kinds of things Mom does to keep her sanity!

Exhausted Dad - First of all congratulations on being involved enough to be asking the questions and attempting to get the right information. Sounds to me like you're on the right track to BEING a great role model.

Keep it going. Do the things you'd like your son to emulate. Engage in activities together. Keep apprised of his schoolwork and extracurricular activities. Try and eat dinner together as often as possible. It keeps the lines of communication open so that difficult topics can be addressed in an easy-going manner when necessary. It keeps you up to date with what's going on in his life.

A concern that often comes up when working with clients is the fear of saying "no" too often, of being the disciplinarian, of hearing "I hate you - you're the worst mother/father world", or "you're not my mother/father - my REAL mother/father would never....". I say GET OVER IT.

I can't say it often enough. As a matter of fact, I'll say it again GET OVER IT. As a parent your job is to be in charge and get your children to adulthood. They should get there safely and able to take care of themselves, fulfill adult responsibilities ably and go on from there.

I'm not suggesting that you become withholding and strict at all times. I am suggesting that you make the rules, you stick to your guns even when it's uncomfortable, and you do what needs to be done.

My clients are so relieved when they realize that their children do better when the parents are running the show. In most cases the children are relieved that they are able to withstand peer pressure by using the old parent card. "I can't - my Mom said I have to be home by 9:00" or "My Dad is the worst - he won't let me come over, drive the car, go to _____, keeps checking up on me that I'm not hanging out with _____".

Stand your ground. Your children may not like it - but eventually, they will love you for it.

Thanks to all of you for your comments and emails - it's great hearing from you!

You can always ask a question or comment here or email me at rebecca at dailylifeconsulting dot com, or for those of you who prefer it, kiki at dailylifeconsulting dot com

Enjoy the day!